The following are actual newspaper
headlines:
- March Planned For Next August
- L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
- Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
God was sitting in heaven one day when a
scientist said to Him,
"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a
way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do
what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil
into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
Proverbs
- Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get
exhausted.
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
- Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man who break wind in church sit in own pew.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Pondering the Imponderable
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
A Wise School Teacher
A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of
school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at
school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at
home."
At Christmas time every girl wants her
past forgotten and her
present remembered.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for
Christmas?
He felt his presents.
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
Merry Christmas to Ewe!
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend for Christmas?
A 14 carrot ring!
What do reindeers say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !
Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas and
accidentally hit a bird? He got a partridge on a par three.
The five year old twins climbed up on their roof. Bobby
said, "C'mon,
let's jump down the chimney! Just like Santa does!" Billy, "No!"
Bobby, "Why not?" Billy, "I'm afraid to go down a chimney like
Santa." Bobby, "You must have Claustrophobia."
How do snowmen travel around ?
By icicle !
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe
Why is a room full of married couples empty?
Because there is not a single person in it.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
Why did the man sleep under the car?
So he could wake up oily in the morning.
If you see a fat man
Who's jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it...
Your eggnog's
Waaaayyy too strong!
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a
couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all,
there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's
spelling."
Oh Boy, Customers!
What the Store-employees really mean...
1. "Can I help you get a size?"
Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need
your hands messing it up again.
2. "Do you need help with anything?"
Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look
busy.
3. "Welcome to <<Store Name Here>>"
Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair
of socks.
4. "Have a nice day!"
Now that you ruined mine
5. "Thank you for shopping at <<Store Name Here>>"
Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?" The
more you can carry, the more you can buy!
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?"
Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why are you
even shopping here?
8. "Can I help you get something down?"
I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
customer put in the absolute wrong place.
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it"
You would just mess it up again if you folded it.
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back"
I just don't want to check
Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's
office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail
for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters
through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending
them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal
Revenue Service.
The composition teacher asked the class
to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday.
A murder has been committed. Police are
called to an apartment and
find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the
lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man, answers. He stifles a sob, drops the
club
and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."
"DEFINITIONS OF A BACHELOR"
** One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
** One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
** One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
** One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
** One who can forget his mistakes.
** One who can get into bed from either side.
** One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
** One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his
hands.
** One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
** One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his
wife
interrupt.
** One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
** One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
** One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
** One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a
good time.
** One who failed to embrace his opportunities
** One who is a free male.
** One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
** One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
** One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
** One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on
his
shirt.
** One who knows all the ankles.
** One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get
a
grip on him.
** One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind
up
on a leash.
** One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a
Bachelor.
** One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
** One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
** One who looks, but does not leap.
** One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
** One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
** One who never makes the same mistake once.
** One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
** One who never Mrs. Anything.
** One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
** One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur
outstanding.
** One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
** One who tries to avoid the issue.
** One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's
grip.
** One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
** One who washes only one set of dishes.
** One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-
Deaf.
** One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust
blows
out than in.
** One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
** One who would rather change girls than change their names.
** One who would rather cook his own goose.
** One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
** One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
The mother of three notoriously unruly
youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had
it to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same
ones."
Hungry Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the
first one. "
Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full
of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the
first one.
"Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the
second.
"OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No
sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and
gobbled them up.
As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love
baskin' robins."
As paramedics, my partner and I were dispatched
to check on a
92-year-old man who had become disoriented. We decided to take him
to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with siren going, I questioned the man to determine his
level of awareness.
Leaning close, I asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right
now?"
He slowly looked up at me, then gazed out the ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
A pastor was doing his children's sermon
bringing
all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.
He was discussing the story of Jonah.
He began by quoting the scriptures from Jonah 1
and 2 "And the Lord appointed a great fish to
swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of
the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah
prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the
fish, saying 'I called to the Lord out of my
distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord
spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon
the dry land" (Jonah 117; 22, 10). When the
pastor finished the quotation, he began
soliciting feedback from the youngsters to help
him complete this sermon.
He asked, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out
on dry land indicate to us today?"
One of the youngsters spoke with great
enthusiasm, and loud enough for the entire
congregation to hear, "It proves that even a fish
can't stomach a bad preacher!"
Doc Grimsby was an old time traveling medicine
show man. He used to
sell his elixir from the back of a covered wagon at every town where
he stopped. Old Pap recollected when he stopped in his town years
ago.
"Doc Grimsby got up on the back of his wagon and it didn't take no
time at all before he had him a crowd around him! He launched off
into his pretty as can be spiel and said that for only a single
buck,
he'd sell us a potion that would guarantee us a long life! He even
said he took it himself, and was living proof of its effects on
aging. Fact, he told us that he was 149 years old."
"I smelled a rat, so I asked his assistant if the Doc really was
149.
The kid said he couldn't prove it since he'd only been working for
the guy barely more than a century!"
"Things Overheard on Noah's Ark"
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
David and Bernice had just given their
teenage daughter family-car
privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a
party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to
get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen,
and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you
get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one,
I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my
paper under the front tire of the car."
John and Jill just got married and Jill wants
to impress John with
her skills in the kitchen and prepares him his first dinner.
Jill: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
John: "Oh? And which is this?"
Three citizens of the former Soviet Eastern Bloc - a Pole, a Czech,
and a Jew - were accused of spying and were sentenced to death. Each
man was granted one last wish.
"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Pilsudski," said the
Pole.
"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Masaryk," said the
Czech.
"And I," said the Jew, "want my ashes scattered over the grave of
Comrade Kosygin."
"But that's impossible," he was told. "Kosygin isn't dead yet."
"Fine," said the Jew. "I can wait."
Jill admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper. One
evening John returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and
said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the
mantel."
Jill turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, that's why I
married a college graduate."
A little guy is sitting at the bar just
staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making
biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one
swig.
The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man. I was just giving
you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man
crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between
sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an
important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
don't have any insurance.
I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet
was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the
gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to
my life, ….and then you show up and drink the poison!"
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin,
and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't
I marry you two years ago?"
"You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father." Said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a
candle for you."
"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -
ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely
husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody
candle out!"
Old Rev. Johnson was begging his board of directors to buy a new
chandelier for the church. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat
down
sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier. Then
the
elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time
talkin'for?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ...
we ain't
got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who
could even play it. And third, what we need most in the church is
more
light!"
A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school
bus corner on his
first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think
about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh." "Mommy loves
you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her
son on and hugs him.
"So tell mommy. . . what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of
school?"
The boy answers, "I've learned that my name is Melvin ".
One-Liners
I'm going to live forever, or die trying.
Insanity is making the same mistakes over and over and
thinking you are going to get different results.
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something
his wife can beat him at.
A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey. Never,
under
any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same
night.
I bought a new camouflage vest at Walmart, hung it in the closet,
and
now I can't find it. --Lawrence
If you'll come to my funeral I'll go to yours. --Lawrence
If Superman and Mighty Mouse got into a fight, we know Mighty Mouse
would win because Superman is only a cartoon character. --Lawrence
Winter isn't cold, it's heat challenged. --Emily Rose
You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee
When...
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite
coffee mug
*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
*You've worn the finish off you coffee table
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you
*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house
*You're so wired you pick up FM radio
*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"
*Instant coffee takes too long
*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee
can
*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
QUIPS & QUOTES
-----------------------------------
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it. --Peggy Joyce
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject. --Winston Churchill
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that
way.
Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
My company had a successful year, and at
the annual
meeting, employees eagerly awaited the general manager's
report on the performance of our branch.
"You are the role models of our company," he proudly
announced. "I can tell you that whenever the owners
talk about you and your office, they use nothing but
expletives." A stunned silence followed.
Then the manager blushed, cleared his throat, and added,
"I meant superlatives."
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from
her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked
why by her former employer, she answered:
"I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the
dishes all the time!"
Just a Thought. What If Saddam Hussein
survived the bombing last week,
but lost a leg, How upset do you think his doubles will be?
----------------------------------------------------------
A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked. Replied the blonde, "I dropped
my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but
the light's better here."
----------------------------------------------------
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the
tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures
and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the
poor
animals free!
--------------------------------------------------
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test." I
said, "Great!
Now what's the bad news?" He said, "They were pedestrians."
----------------------------------------------------------
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his
desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?" he asks.
"Oh, its
my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for
me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither,
He's bald."
--------------------------------------------------------
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the
stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied
the witness.
Lessons Learned By a Parent
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to
fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and
a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on
all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a
36-year-old man says they only do it in the movies. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass right through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same
sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do
not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their
body weight when dizzy.
Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters
Would Kick
Butt in the Star Trek Universe
----------------------------------
10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on
"stun".
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit
and a crew of twenty just to go into warp-- the Millennium Falcon
does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader,
Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable-- after pithy
Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like h#ll.
7) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his
action.
6) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.
5) One word: lightsabers.
4) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named
Slave I.
3) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
2) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at
one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
Bonus Joke:
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining
it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history
museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a
man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it
out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How
in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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